


nihilism

by rosegoldwritings



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: 5 Times, Fluff, M/M, seriously this is so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 06:52:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8834650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosegoldwritings/pseuds/rosegoldwritings
Summary: with bobby, nihilism seemed like such an obscure concept. there was so much meaning to be found when he found himself in bobby’s embrace.(5 times he wants to kiss him and 1 time he does)





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is kinda an im not dead an im sorry i havent updated!

1\. He watches anxiously from the crowd, leaning so far forward his body almost falls over the railing. People he doesn’t know push against him, some holding their breath in suspense and some cheering, but he can’t hear any of it. His attention is focused on the man with the microphone in the middle of the stage. On one side stands Bobby, on the other, his opponent. He just stares for what feels like forever, his throat dry and heart hammering in his chest. They won’t get on with it. The people surrounding him are finally getting to him. They won’t stop pushing. Nothing is happening. Can’t they just—

The golden numbers on the screens above the two on stage start moving. Hanbin’s mouth drops open. Bobby’s keeps going up, up, up. The whole room erupts. He won. He won. He really won.

Hanbin can’t stop shaking his leg as he waits backstage for him. As soon as Bobby starts down the hallway, he runs into his arms. Bobby wraps his body around him tightly, not letting go even as people start to stare.

“You did it. I’m so proud of you.”

There’s tears in Bobby’s eyes as he pulls away. He blinks them back and swallows. “I can finally bring my family here. I missed them so much, you know?” He breathes out slowly to steady himself. All Hanbin can see is the complete, genuine love filling his eyes. That’s always been his favorite thing about Bobby. 

For a second he thinks about leaning forward and kissing him on the cheek, if only to express how proud he is, how incredibly excited he is for him. Hanbin bites the inside of his lip and stops himself. He can’t, and he knows it. So he settles for clutching onto Bobby’s hand and attaching himself to his side like he always does as other people come to give their congratulations.

 

2\. “I’m exhausted. Can we do something else?”

Hanbin glances over to where Bobby is sprawled out on the floor, notebook long deserted in front of him as he plays with the strings on his hoodie.

“Depends how much work you got done.”

“Aw, but Bin!” He holds up his scribbled-out notebook as if in defense. “I’ve been trying. Don’t pull the leader thing on me. I’m your best friend, I just need to take a break.”

The pouty face shouldn’t work on Jiwon, but Hanbin’s always had a soft spot for him. A half hour later, they’re roaming the streets in a quiet part of Seoul, when Bobby lights up at the sight of an ice cream store. That shouldn’t be endearing, either, but Bobby always manages to make everything seem so.

Hanbin forgets all the work waiting for them back at the company building as he eats soft-serve and laughs with Bobby for what feels like forever. He notices his phone vibrate with a text and chooses to ignore it, swiping away the notification in favor of enjoying all the time he can get with Bobby. Hanbin looks back up to see a smudge of vanilla on Bobby’s nose. However he managed to do that, Hanbin will never know. But he can’t help the smile that comes to his face.

“Ah, Jiwon—“ He tries to keep a straight face but laughs, reaching for a napkin. “Hold still.”

It’s not cute, he tells himself, the way Bobby sits there completely clueless until Hanbin dabs at his nose. But he does feel the overwhelming urge to reach all the way across the table and kiss the lost look off his face. He tries to smother that thought as soon as it appears, but really, what’s the harm? 

“Okay. You’re good.”

A wide smile overtakes his face and Hanbin breathes out a sigh of relief. They continue joking and he pretends like that didn’t just happen, even though he wishes he could’ve gotten a picture.

 

3 . Hanbin sits in his swivel chair, tapping a pen on the desk mindlessly as he shuffles though pages of lyrics. It’s no use. He doesn’t like any of them, and as long as he doesn’t like them, they won’t be good enough to win. He crumples them up into balls and throws them with all his strength towards the trashcan. They hit the wall too hard and bounce off onto the floor, only frustrating him further.

Hanbin lets out a hiss through clenched teeth and presses his hands against his face. He’s never felt so much pent up frustration, especially with no way to get it out. His team. This is his team, and he has to go against them now? After a year of working to keep them together, proving they’re good enough, showing everyone who questioned them that they were capable, this happens? And there’s absolutely nothing he can do. This is out of his control. Still, his heart begins to beat too fast. He feels the familiar buzz run through his body. He’s short of breath. This is all his fault, he shouldn’t have let this happen to them, they didn’t deserve—

“Hanbin? Hanbin!”

He distantly hears the door close click shut, then rushed footsteps towards him. Warm arms close around his body and he’s pressed against a chest, soft breaths in his ear, a gentle hand rubbing circles into his palm. He doesn’t have to look up to know it’s Bobby.

“Hanbin,” he says again, quieter. His cheek is pressed into Hanbin’s hair so that his lips are right against his ear. “I’m right here. Breathe. It’s gonna be okay.”

Hanbin swallows thickly and wills back the tears he feels pressing against his eyes. He can’t find any words to say, so he doesn’t. Bobby will understand. His breathing eventually slows down, but his heartbeat doesn’t. It has nothing to do with his anxiety attack. 

Hanbin shifts so that his head is in the crook of Bobby’s shoulder and he’s looking up at him, smiling. Bobby looks down with the same fond expression. He wants to press a kiss onto his skin right there, as a _thank you,_ as a _you mean so much to me,_ as a _I’m so glad to have you there for me._ But he doesn’t, just closes his eyes and breathes in the sharp scent of Bobby’s cologne.

 

4\. “I think I’m gonna to go sleep now. See you in the morning.”

A chorus of goodnights follow Hanbin as he leaves the room and crosses the hall into his own, shared with Bobby for the duration of their stay. He’s in a chair by the window, watching all the cars pass by and the flashing lights of the city.

Hanbin comes to sit on the bed a few inches behind him and watches, too. Bobby doesn’t turn around as he says, “Wow. I thought Seoul was big.” He lets out a small laugh. “Beijing is huge.”

Hanbin smiles at his comment and nods, even though Bobby can’t see him. “It’s nice though. I wouldn’t mind staying here for a little while.”

“Yeah. I wish we could get to see more of the place. I can’t believe we don’t get any free time…” Hanbin suppresses a laugh. He can practically see the little frown on Bobby’s face as he says the words. The way he’s so in awe of everything, his desire to see and learn, always strikes Hanbin as adoring.

“We’ll come back some day. If we can’t with the group, just me and you.”

Bobby murmurs an agreement, half-asleep by now, then yawns and stands up. “’Night, Bin.”

“Night.”

Bobby climbs into his bed as Hanbin stretches back out on his own. He reaches out to turn off the lamp on the nightstand between them and looks over to see Jiwon, eyes already closed and breathing slowed. He looks so gentle like this. Hanbin has the urge to plant a little goodnight kiss on his forehead, but instead, clicks off the lamp and turns over, looking back towards the bustling city again.

 

5\. Hanbin stands off to the side as Bobby stands in the center of the stage, grinning out into the crowd and rapping one of his own songs. It makes Hanbin proud. Sure, his heart lurches a little at the memories of his own failure, but he’s good at pushing aside his own feelings for his team. And right now, all he feels is a bursting sense of love. 

When the background track finally stops and the crowd starts cheering, the other members run forward and come to the edge of the stage. Hanbin smiles to himself at the sight of them, then comes forward too and stands next to Bobby. He puts a lazy arm around his shoulder, earning him a smile before they both look back up. 

It’s a break, so Donghyuk and Yunhyeong are chasing each other around, reaching their hands down into the masses of fans and laughing loudly. Jinhwan and Junhoe are doing god knows what, but that’s not his biggest concern right now.

That would be Bobby slipping an arm around his waist and drawing him closer.

“I’m really happy,” he says in a low voice, watching everything before them. “I used to think…this wouldn’t happen. But here we are.”

Hanbin’s heart skips a beat. He and Bobby are so alike, so in tune, always feeling and thinking the same. He’s almost sure Bobby didn’t say this because he wanted to, but because he knows it’s at the front of Hanbin’s brain.

“I know.” Hanbin leans to rest his head on Bobby’s shoulder. “I was so afraid I’d lose you somehow. Even though you weren’t even on the line, I just…” He tries to hide his face from Bobby, who’s looking down, concerned.

“Hey, Bin.” He runs a hand through his hair, voice soft. “Easy. I’m not going anywhere. I was never going anywhere.”

The gesture is so gentle, Hanbin looks back up through blurry eyes and feels a jolt of electricity course through him. There’s something there, something between them, that Hanbin will never bring up and Bobby will never admit. It’s real, he can feel it, but as long as they keep playing at these unspoken games, it’ll never truly manifest itself. He’s so frustrated, he could lean up and kiss him right there, in front of the thousands of fans. But he won’t, for both their sakes.

“I know.”

 

1\. Hanbin lays stretched out in his bed when he feels a dip in the side, then Bobby’s weight against him.

“Jiwon?”

“Yeah.” Bobby’s focused on whatever’s on his phone screen, so Hanbin playfully bats a hand at it and it falls onto the mattress. Bobby is only confused for a split second before that wide, eye-crinkling grin lights up his face. He reaches out for Hanbin and before he can get away, his arm is around his middle and he’s being pulled against Bobby’s body. He’s never been as strong as the other boy, but even if he was, he’d still feign weakness instead of pulling away.

Hanbin wiggles in Bobby’s arms for a minute, laughing and reveling in the sound of Bobby’s laugh, before he stops struggling altogether and Bobby stops trying. They lay in silence for a few minutes until Hanbin turns his body to face the other. He scramblex for something, anything, to say, but all his mind can focus on ix the sharp lines of Bobby’s face and the way his skin glows, even in the dim lighting.

Bobby pulls away a few inches and reaches out to tug the shoulder of Hanbin’s white t-shirt down, revealing his English tattoo he’d gotten not so long ago. It was probably his favorite, although with Bobby, nihilism seemed like such an obscure concept. There was so much meaning to be found when he found himself in Bobby’s embrace.

“Still hurt?”

“Huh?” His eyes flickered down to his chest. “Uh, yeah. Kinda. It’s getting better.”

“That’s good.” He rubs his thumb over the faintly red skin and smiles to himself. Hanbin becomes acutely aware of their closeness, of Bobby’s still damp hair and bare skin, the lingering smell of cheap shampoo stuck on him. He thinks about Bobby’s own tattoo, the circle on his back and all the meaning he’d had behind it. It was like his whole life and family was inked into his skin. Bobby was so loving, so kind, he still wasn’t sure how he’d ended up so lucky. 

“Are you ever going to get another one?”

“Don’t know.” God, Hanbins’s heart aches just hearing his voice. “I might. Maybe we’ll go together.”

“Yeah. We should.” Hanbin pauses, then forces himself to continue. “I don’t think you need one though.”

“Yeah?” Bobby grins up at him. His eyes were so dark. “And why’s that?”

“I like it the way it is. It’s simple,” he adds, quieter.

Bobby watches Hanbin’s expression, amused, and Hanbin feels something of a blush spread across his cheeks. He can’t meet Bobby’s eyes anymore, even though Bobby’s looking right into his own.

“So why do you always talk about wanting more?”

“I… I don’t know.” And truthfully, he doesn’t. He had just always felt it wasn’t enough, there was always another thing needed to permanently mark on himself, carry around with him.

“I don’t think you needed any. Remember what I said? I’m always right here. Don’t need anything to remind you of that.” He plays with Hanbin’s hand as he says it, and Hanbin is sure his heart is going to beat right out of his chest. 

“I know. I know,” he breathes out. “And I—I’m so happy, you make me so happy—“

He doesn’t know how to finish the sentence. All he can think of is Jiwon, his mind fuzzy with the face that’s been imprinted into it, the most familiar and safe one he’ll ever see in his life. He just wants him to know. So he does what he’s been wanting to do for years now.

He presses a soft kiss to Bobby’s cheek and pulls away, daring to meet his eyes.

Bobby says nothing afterwards. He just smiles widely, then moves his body so he and Hanbin are laying just centimeters apart, faces almost pressed together on the pillow, so close they can feel each other’s breath.

“I think it was time for that,” he whispers.

**Author's Note:**

> that was kind of out of order i think. hanbin already had the tattoo by that point but whos gonna stop me
> 
> also im…not entirely sure where this came from…was it as much of a letdown as i feel like it is. i was gonna keep up w the tattoo theme n try to incorporate it more but i didnt so i hope it doesnt make this seem fake deep and pretentious. if it does my bad ,. i just always thought hanbin + nihilism do not go together and ive always wondered about that tattoo !
> 
> nyways im working on something thats hopefully going to be 1000x better its just taking a long time. and its not pointless fluff. would ya take a look at that


End file.
